365 Days Without You

Oh, how far I've come.

One year ago today my life took a 180. The writing had been on the wall for some time, but it wasn’t until that day that I had to face my new reality.

I was swimming in emotions. Fear, shame, sadness, confusion, relief. My body felt paralyzed. My mind was in overdrive, completely overwhelmed, and unable to process any of my feelings. The only fact that remained clear was that 5 years with you had ended, and it was time for a new beginning.  

I had been through heartbreak before, so I knew the pain was temporary. However, it’s hard to see the upside when you’re consumed by emotions, blinded by fear of uncertainty, and experiencing relationship withdrawals. You’d think this would make the first few weeks or months the hardest part, but for me, that’s never been the case. 

The early stages of breakup come with a slew of logistics that need to be sorted out immediately. As someone with a Type A personality, problem-solving has always been my strength. While the logistical nightmare can be challenging, it provides a natural distraction. In this specific situation, the first and foremost issue I had to work through was finding a place to live. 

We were just returning to San Francisco after two years of embracing the digital nomad life. Neither of us had a permanent home - or furniture for that matter - and what we did have was mixed together in storage at my parents’ house. After moving dozens of times over the years, I became a pro at researching accommodations, but I had forgotten what it was like to fully make my own decision. When you’re in a relationship, it’s always about “us” and rarely about “me”. It was a big decision to sign a lease and overwhelming to transition to “me” thinking. 

I was approaching the age of 30, so part of me felt like I was too old to have roommates, but the other part was not ready to be alone. Ultimately, I decided I wanted a roommate. Thankfully, the stars aligned and I moved in with an old friend from work. This was one of the best decisions I made during that time. Not only do I love my apartment, but I also love living with people. My roommate moved out six months later and while I was in a good place to be alone, I decided to stay and find a new roommate. 

It took a few months to fully work through all of the logistics. After finding a place to live, I had to deal with going through all of our things by myself, getting them out of the house (the attic stairs posed a not-so-fun challenge), and buying furniture. In addition, I kindly (and probably stupidly) offered to help you - my ex-boyfriend - move into a new place. Whether or not this was the right decision, it added even more tasks to my plate and doubled my time spent moving. 

Once all of the logistics were handled and I had more bandwidth, the hardest part hit, I had to face my emotions. As an Aquarian, I tend to be emotionally aloof. It’s naturally very difficult for me to process my feelings, so I like to keep them to myself. Part of me knew that my friends and family wanted to be there for me as I would be there for them, but the other part of my brain was screaming at me to not be an emotional burden. The latter thought was especially strong when most of my friends were getting engaged, married, buying houses, or talking about having kids. The last thing I wanted to do was bring down the vibe and divert attention to my sad saga. 

While it was not easy, I made a conscious effort to open up to select friends, family members, and a therapist. I tuned into my Type A personality and developed a framework to get through the hard part. Here is the basic outline:

1. Fill up the calendar

I signed up for fitness classes, attended events, planned trips, and tried calling my friends most days of the week. Even if I didn’t have anything going on besides work, I added an afternoon walk or call mom to the schedule. It helped tremendously to appear busy and have things to look forward to. 

2. Boost self-confidence

There’s a nice comfort that comes with being in a relationship and it's daunting to think about putting yourself out there again. I wrote down everything that made me self-conscious and everything that was out of my control. I came up with a list of issues that were within my control and identified ways to solve those problems. My skin was erupting from emotional turmoil, so I started recurring facials. I hated my clothes, so I got a Rent the Runway subscription. I felt weak, so I found a gym that offered personal training and small-group fitness classes. I made sure to check my goals weekly to ensure I was holding myself accountable.   

3. Build community before dating again

It takes time and energy to form friendships, and it takes time and energy to date. It’s hard to do both at once. Even though I had family and friends nearby, I explicitly decided I was not going to date until I had a strong community in San Francisco. I did not want to get into a situation where I was relying on someone else for social plans, or that I always needed to drive across the bridge. I went on Bumble BFF, joined a book club, attended community runs, got a random roommate, and worked from the office as much as possible. It’s exhausting to start from scratch, especially while healing the heart. I constantly felt mentally and physically drained, but I refused to let it get to me. 

4. Reflect on the good times and learning points

The last thing I wanted was to regret years of my life. While not everything lasts forever, personal growth opportunities are timeless. I gave myself grace and tried not to overanalyze why I spent so long with the wrong person. I knew that at the time it felt right to be with you and restrained self-judgment. Instead, I focused on moving forward and what I’m looking for in a life partner.    

5. Create boundaries in a respectful manner

It’s really hard to communicate with an ex-boyfriend and remain cordial. At the end of the day, people gotta do what they gotta do to prioritize their own well-being. If that means blocking someone on social media, do it. In my case, I wanted to remain kind. Looking back I should have focused on being more direct and less kind about my desire for space. However, I’m proud of myself for not reacting with my emotions and keeping things amicable. 

I’m happy to report that all of these actions paid off.

I feel fully healed, have many new friends, and a newfound understanding of myself. One of my main takeaways from the breakup is how much happier I am when I’m surrounded by other people. You skewed introverted, so by default, and as a result of our digital nomad lifestyle, we spent a lot of time alone, just the two of us. I was never unhappy and honestly forgot what life was like without you, so I assumed I skewed introverted as well. After putting myself out there again, I’ve come to realize that I thrive in social situations and enjoy activities that are outside my comfort zone.  

It’s crazy how much can change in a year. 365 days ago I was terrified by the unknown, today I’m excited by it. A year ago I couldn’t imagine my life without you, now I can’t imagine my life without my new friends and experiences. Thank you for the good times and learning opportunities. I’m ready for the next 365 days and whatever life throws my way.